Feb 08

Too Many Times Around The Mountain

I was going to regale you all with a tale of woe, given as pitifully as I could. I was going to tell of the terrible travails of being a writer of 30-plus years and dealing with a persistent demon. I was going to relate all the problems I was having with The Captain’s Chair.

But I’m not going to do that. Know why? Because I find that I have been walking around the same mountain of fear for longer than I thought. Same mountain, same steps, same insanity!

I was going to play the blame game, naming probable causes of my writing paralysis and debunking them one by one. Already did it:

What the hell is wrong with me?

Okay, I can chalk up a lot of the stalling to my various medical problems. An old wound reopened last year, and the healing involved a great deal of pain and anxiety. I wouldn’t undergo a treatment without being thoroughly stoned on pain pills. That lasted seven months. Adjustments in medication made me sickly and wrecked my appetite. You can imagine I didn’t have much inclination to write.

Add to that: numerous RA flares, Momma problems, computer problems. Life, you know.

Is writer’s block the problem? I know what writer’s block is, and this isn’t it.

I can tell you what it is: fear. Abject fear. Of what? Well, let’s see what the article says:

Yes, it’s stupid to think that way. But in my thirty-plus years of writing, certain themes show up repeatedly. Strong characters, byzantine plots, strong emphasis on character interactions (especially within families), paranormal powers, the air of the spiritual. Not always Trekian characteristics. A lot of folks are about the “boldly go” thing. I’ve been mostly about the “strange new worlds” thing. The one between your ears.

That’s why Tales is so hard to do sometimes. Because it isn’t “SLAM! BANG! POW!” I guess you can call it “Spockian Trek” as opposed to “Kirkian Trek”.

To save some time, I could have just pasted the whole thing over here. Yes, I’m angry at myself. I’m also embarrassed. Deeply. The same thing. The same mindless walk around the same mountain.

And I have no idea how to stop doing it.